How to Avoid Speeding Tickets, DUI, and Insurance Payments

Noah Williams


The current state of the environment is causing many people of the millennial generation to take drastic steps to reduce their environmental impact, but shutting off a few extra lights and carpooling just don’t seem to cut it any more.

You could stop eating meat or recycle more, but hamburgers are delicious and recycling bins are oftentimes filled with trash, compost, and assorted other items that are in no way recyclable. For the hardcore environmental activists fixated on perpetuating the latest noxious feel-good trend in saving the planet, the medicine must be stronger.

The only feasible solution to reduce our carbon footprint is to stop using fossil fuel and return to horses and oxen as our primary means of transportation.

Also, think of the ease in parking we’d have on campus! No more endless hours circling for a spot; simply ride up to Jewett Hall, hop off your horse, and tie him up to a handy tree or bicycle rack.

Feel like drinking yourself into a blackout this weekend? Well, saddle up, because as long as you keep your horse out of the sauce, you’re good to ride. Even if you and your horse do take a few road sodas for the trail home, a horse weighs 1200 pounds, so he’d have to drink an incredible amount of alcohol to blow a .08.

Most importantly, horses don’t need gas or insurance money, just a new pair of shoes every 4-6 months (not including studded shoes for winter) and some grass off your landlord’s lawn.

Gone are the days of dodging traffic on your bike or going bankrupt paying for all those extravagant car-related expenses.

Next time someone mentions to you how passionately they care for the planet, one-up them with your awesome new “eco-horse” that runs on grass and water and is 100 percent recyclable … or edible. Whichever seems greener.


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