Americans insist Christmas still about Christ, not consumption and materialism, survey says – Holiday shoppers suggest otherwise
By Garrick Hoffman, Liberal Arts Major
DALLAS, TX – In a new survey conducted by Pew, Americans overwhelmingly said Christmas was about Christ – not about consumption or materialism – and that Christmas was their favorite holiday.
In response to the survey, we caught up with three shoppers downtown and asked them about their thoughts on Christmas were, and what their relationship with Jesus was like.
The Broccoli: What’s your budget for this Christmas?
Katie West: Well my mortgage is $1500 each month, and then there’s a whole slew of other expenses, and I make $1800 a month, so I figured $1000 was a reasonable holiday budget! I’ll probably just put it all on a credit card, with only 20% interest! I’m having fun this year!
TB: How are you celebrating the birth of Christ this year, even though it’s a Pagan holiday?
John Brooks: Well, we’re having family over and opening presents in the morning. To celebrate Christ himself, and to, you know, worship the guy, we all gather around the table to say grace before we dig into our Domino’s holiday pizza. It usually goes, “Scrub-a-dub-dub, thank you Baby Jesus for the grub, and for the Pepsi.”
TB: What’s your relationship with Jesus like?
Margaret Belmont: Jesus who?
Photos and videos emerge depicting everyone in frat house dressed as Muhammad on Halloween; death threats follow
By Garrick Hoffman
NORMAN,OK – Ryan Lancaster, a Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity brother, dressed as his favorite baseball player, posed for a photo on Halloween with a sign in hand that said “Muhammad!” with an arrow pointing to him. The arrogant douchebag look on his face paired well with the index finger of his other hand pointing to the camera, yet his aspirations to become the next Mike The Situation continued to elude him.
Nick Thibodeau, from the same frat house, was dressed as a slice of pepperoni pizza and interviewed a fellow frat brother who asked him on video what he was dressed as. He laughed like a stoner, and bellowed “Muhammad!” He then swigged from his Pabst Blue Ribbon pounder and spilled some on his pepperonis.
Alex Dyer, again from Sigma Alpha Epsilon, was dressed as Donald Trump in a photo while holding a sign that said “Muhammad,” similar to Lancaster. He enthusiastically gave a thumbs up with his other hand and smiled with squinty eyes and a slack jaw to portray intoxication, despite being only one and a half beers deep.
According to their Facebook, the entire frat house had decided on a theme for Halloween – “Dress as Muhammad Night” – and advertised it on social media. Every brother and their guests dressed as they’d like, but all said they were dressed as Muhammad.
What followed was a storm of death threats from radical Islamist group Revolution Muslim, who expressed their outrage about the frat house depicting Muhammad, the Prophet of Islam. When a CNN reporter told Revolution Muslim that the frat brothers were “being inexcusably bigoted idiots,” but that RM “should ignore those ignoramuses,” the extremists called ISIS in a tantrum and demanded the reporter be killed, too.
PETA says Santa’s use of reindeer on Christmas is “animal enslavement”
By Garrick Hoffman
NORFOLK, VA – In their most recent smear campaign, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, using various social media as their vehicle, declared that Santa’s use of reindeer on Christmas is tantamount to the enslavement of animals.
The animal rights group posted a photo on their Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts of Santa and his reindeer in the sky. Santa is whipping them harshly, and they all look sullen and dilapidated. Santa’s face appears cruel and diabolical, and he’s smiling like he’s having a good time.
“Santa’s use of reindeer on Christmas is CRUEL. It’s ANIMAL ENSLAVEMENT. It’s…WRONG”, the headline read, with “wrong” in red. The text on the bottom read, “#FreeTheReindeer”, which has now been truncated to #FTR in communications.
While PETA pushed their social media efforts to #FTR, the rest of the world was waiting for them to #GTFO.
Man Still Sitting in Driveway Waiting for Date to Come Outside
By Hannah Martin
GORHAM, ME- Ben Wright was waiting outside of the house of his date, Heather April. She texted him saying she would be down in 15 minutes.
“What could she be doing in there? Is she straightening her armpit hair, or something girls do?” he said as he sat there playing Angry Birds on his cellphone. “I wish she would just hurry up.”
Reporters found that Heather had left her home and was found out to eat with another man who was a lot nicer, named Benjamin.
Man and rest of America promise 8th gym membership in the last 8 years will “bear longevity,” starting New Years
By Garrick Hoffman
AMERICA – Greg Sanborn and virtually everyone else in America who celebrates New Years has promised for the eighth year in a row that their new membership will “bear longevity” beginning January 1st.
For their annual New Years Resolution, just about everyone who claims to want to get in shape and practice wellness has purchased memberships at their neighborhood gym, saying they “will take it super seriously this time.”
“For real, this time, I will maintain my gym membership,” said Sanborn. “No more cancelling in mid-February, no more throwing in the white towel after a 12-minute workout, no more exercising three times for the entirety of my membership. This one is legit, I swear.
“Eighth time’s a charm,” he said.
Gym owners are teeming with excitement as they anticipate a flux of new memberships, but gym regulars are already beginning to face-palm in vexation as they expect the space to be overflooded with “temporary gym tourists” who “leave their dirty tourist sweat all over the benches and don’t clean it up after.”
UPDATE: Sanborn has already cancelled his membership.