Research Finds Marijuana Promotes Hydration
By Garrick Hoffman, Liberal Arts Major
NEW HAVEN, CT – A new study conducted by Yale scientists has revealed that marijuana promotes hydration.
The study was conducted on a group of two hundred eager volunteers. One hundred volunteers were directed to smoke or ingest marijuana; the other half was not. Every volunteer was then ordered to keep themselves busy at their assigned desks by whatever means necessary. Each volunteer had a glass of water on their desk. By the end of the study, 95% of marijuana users had emptied their glasses, while only 10% of the non-marijuana users had emptied theirs. 90% of the latter had only taken a sip or none at all.
At the end of the study, we caught up with volunteer Cheech Rogen and asked why he thought he finished his glass. He said, “I dunno, I think I just had mad dry mouth. Weed does that to me all the time. I just took a piss and it was real clear, too. That’s a good thing.
“So, yeah, I think it was…wait…what are we talking about again?”
Smoker Renounces GMOs, Gluten, Non-organic Food for His Health
NORTH YARMOUTH, ME – Ben Christie has been a smoker all his life.
“Since I was practically just out of tighty-whities,” he said.
But he’s also been eating all the wrong foods: processed foods with pesky GMOs in them, gluten-riddled bread, and junk food that he now calls “pseudo-sustenance” after he heard his friend use the term.
But that’s going to change.
“I’m renouncing it all,” Christie said. “I just saw a nutritionist the other day. I’m gonna lose weight. I’m gonna feel better. I’m gonna look better. I’ll be revitalized! Every day will be packed with vegetables, smoothies, and the best, organic food I can find, and I’ll be visiting farmer’s markets a lot more, too. I’ll be the healthiest guy in town!”
When asked if he plans to kick the cigarette habit, Christie replied, “I dunno, probably not.”
Social Media Addict Receives Tips for Developing Actual Social Traits
PORTLAND, ME – Before Brooke Hanley goes to work, she ensures that her Facebook friends know about it, usually sharing a picture of her in her car before she leaves. While there, she likes to take a picture of her free office coffee and share it on her Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr pages. The caption beneath typically reads, “I love my job!!!”
When she gets home, Brooke has herself an easy meal, turns on Netflix, and logs onto her
Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr pages to see if she received any notifications during her commute home.
Then, while Orange Is the New Black is on, she logs onto her Match.com profile to see if any men have messaged her. So far only two have, but she hasn’t been interested. She thinks she might try to date co- workers instead.
“I fucking hate my job, but I love social media,” she confessed in an interview with Broccoli staff members, causing confusion about glorifying her job on such platforms. “And I guess I really don’t go out and hang out with people much. Or at all, really.”
Broccoli staff members also discussed with Brooke how to reinvent her social life. We suggested
reconnecting with friends via phone or on Facebook to plan a day to catch up and spend actual, real-life time together. Spending time with co-workers outside the office is also feasible, we told her. We also told her that “likes” and comments on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr don’t constitute a real social life.
“But I hate people,” she said.
Local Teens Find New Hang Spot
By Hannah Martin, Communications & New Media Major
SOUTH PORTLAND, ME – Area teen Michael Welsh of South Portland let The Broccoli know Thursday about the hip new place to hang. Located between two trash cans on Congress Street is where all the young kids are going to get freaky, according to Welsh.
“Everyone loves to go down there, and occasionally we get a guest visit from a homeless person,” Welsh said. “That’s when things start to get wild.”
Michael then went on to tell us about how, for activities, most teens are finding themselves dancing to the howling of cats and bumping to the groove of car alarms. “It’s the place to be and I can’t wait to go back tonight,” he said.
Members of The Broccoli were told not to visit.