News from The Broccoli: Reporting this semester with honesty, integrity, and broccoli

Parents Try to Sue Teacher for Failing Child in Class, Fail

CUMBERLAND, ME – Parents in a small, mostly white town recently tried to sue their child’s high school

English teacher for failing their son after their son continually received an F on all his essays and tests.

The judge seeing the case denied the parents a victory, leaving the parents to know what to do next to

help their son succeed in school.

“It’s unjust,” the parents said after the court hearing. “Our son did not deserve even a single F,

despite not meeting minimum length requirements on any of his essays, leaving most questions on his

tests unanswered, and only occasionally showing up to class. The teacher must be brought to justice for

this abomination and we’ll continue to fight it, for our son!”

When the teacher was questioned, he said, “95% of my class has an A, if that illustrates

anything. I’m not sure where the parents’ indignation stems from.”

The school, teacher, and even internet commentators have surmised that the parents’ chagrin

and coddling of their child are the culprits.

Hitler Requested Forgiveness from Christ; was Saved Last Minute

PETERSBURG, KY – New evidence has emerged from the International Historical Society of Dictators that

Adolf Hitler, before he committed suicide, asked Jesus for forgiveness. According to Christians who

speak with God, Hitler now has a comfortable life in Heaven.

“He’s definitely up there,” says Ken Ham, founder and director of Answers in Genesis. “We have

no doubt about that in the wake of this new evidence. The Lord is magnanimous; if one asks for it, he

will forgive them and allow them to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, including anyone who orchestrated

the killing of over 6 million Jews.”

Christians around the world celebrated the news by hanging up pictures of Hitler in churches

everywhere to honor their newly-discovered convert. All secularists and atheists – including

philanthropists – will be still denied entry to Heaven after they die unless they send an application in to

Jesus asking for forgiveness, according to the Christians.

Woman with Type II Diabetes Says Objection to Beauty Standards was “Worth It”

MOBILE, AL – A woman from Alabama who was recently diagnosed with type II diabetes – a condition

chiefly self-induced – said the disease she developed was “worth it.”

“I’m still beautiful,” she said with a bit of a defensive tone. “Society wants us to believe that to

be skinny is beautiful and to be plus-sized is ugly. This is a disgusting social construction. Big people can

be beautiful too, even if that means they’re at risk for cardiovascular disease, hypertension, gout, sleep

apnea, stroke, or diabetes.”

She is now imploring people to donate funds to her Kickstarter campaign to help pay for her

triple-bypass surgery scheduled for next year.

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