Dr. Seuss will not endorse Ted Cruz

By: Ashley Berry

Recently, Ted Cruz, who is a Republican Senator from Texas, announced his intent to run for the Presidency in 2016. The controversial senator has gained some surprising support among the nation’s ignorant and dimwitted. His most popular platform is his promise that if elected he will manually increase melting in the Northern Passage to open up shipping lanes. He says that the melting ice will not cause sea levels to rise and that coastal states shouldn’t expect to lose any land. This is one part of his plan to “Fix America.” The other components include: eliminating NASA and using the money for corporate tax breaks, taking away a woman’s right to choose, and making sure that same sex marriage is not on the table for anyone in this country.

All people with common sense can rejoice because it seems that the Presidency will not be an option for Senator Cruz. The always wise and revered Dr. Seuss, who is often seen hobnobbing with the movers and shakers of politics, has been having correspondence with President Obama, John Boehner, and Mitch McConnell. Several of the letters that involve Seuss persuading the four men to drop Cruz as a candidate have been anonymously leaked to the WikiLeaks website. This is especially important because it is known by few in the political world that Julian Assange, who runs WikiLeaks, is a puppeteer of sorts in American politics. Although he has never run for political office it is known that his reach extends far and wide in the world of politics.

In the letters Seuss argues that Cruz very offensively plagiarized his great work, “Green Eggs and Ham” in his unnecessary and childish twenty-one hour speech to filibuster the Affordable Care Act. Seuss, who is a long time advocate of the Affordable Care Act, was incredibly offended that his seminal work was used in an attempt to greatly harm the well being of the American people.

There is no official word yet on whether he will be officially pulled as a candidate but the many whispers around Washington have been saying that Cruz doesn’t have a chance without the backing of Seuss. Dr. Seuss has served as the Secretary of Education during John F. Kennedy’s presidency, served as the Vice President for Bill Clinton, and has been a Senator for the newest of the fifty states, Whoville, for almost 23 years. Suffice to say that if Seuss thinks someone is not a qualified candidate they will not fare well in an election.

April Fools ladies and gentlemen! This article is most unfortunately only April Fools day antics. Even though this article is mostly fallacy just take a moment and think about how much better the world would be if Ted Cruz wasn’t running for President and Dr. Seuss was involved in politics.


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